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Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
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12:55 am - A Burn Covered With A Smile
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i made a list of everything i wanted to see before i left here.
i think i forgot to put you on it.
what would you say if i left without saying good bye?
i can imagine your face with a smile and a thought of "i'm glad."
and maybe you'll get your wish.
maybe your shooting star will crash down on you and burn that wish into your skin.
so you'll show it with disgraceful pride that makes the hair on my arms stand up straight.
and i'll run from you. and i'll run to you. pull me in.
don't let me end what could be something so great that i would be blinded by its beauty.
please don't let me leave without saying good bye. please don't let me leave.
current music: In Pieces - A Burn Covered With A Smile
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| Thursday, September 11th, 2008
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2:42 pm
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my dreams still haunt me. i still think about her... all the time =/
i was never able to get her out of my head before, and i still can't now.. i thought i moved on. i've gotten used to not having her around anymore. i guess i just wish i was as happy as she is right now. we were both supposed to be happy together.... forever
ugghh. i have my bad days and i have my good. i hate days like this.
i had a dream last night that she forgot about everything. she forgot how long we were together, she forgot our amazing anniversary night... but she's bound to forget anyway. out with the old, in with the new, right?
receiving a text message from her this morning made it even weirder...
all i ever wanted was for her to be happy.. and now that i know she is, i'm still not satisfied. maybe because i'm selfish and wanted her to be happy with me.
life can wait, but i can't wait for life =(
-russ
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
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10:23 pm - i <3 my yob
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so my prayers were finally answered =) i knew that all i needed to do was wait. i knew that God had my back.
so i got a job on friday.. and on saturday, i got a car! haha its so crazy how just like 4 days ago, i was sitting here all bummed out waiting for life to finally start looking up. i am soo blessed.
my uncle gave me his cadillac!! and i love it sooo much. i need to fix a few things on it, but its still driveable and takes me to where i need to be. and its chill as hell inside. sooo roomy and clean.. and luxurious.. hahahah
and about my job... it's been the funnest 2 first days ever. i'm really motivated and i honestly think i'll do good. and to make it better, my co-workers are fucking insane. haha theyre so fun to be around. it feels good meeting new people again. i totally needed it... and there's this hottie there that totally digs my style. haha i've never in my life gotten so many compliments from such a cute girl.. she's like definitely an 8... or a 9 even. hahaha for rrrreeals. and she's opening up an office in pasadena in a couple weeks when she's done with her training. she told me to come visit all the time... ohh fa shoooo ;)
oh man, i'm starting to love life again.. try wiping this smile off my face right now. i dare ya
-russ
current mood:  happy
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| Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
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12:18 am
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one of my favorite albums from when i was back in highschool was, Underoath - The Changing of Times.. back then, i loved it because of the music and just everything about it was just... sooo good. haha
i listened to it again tonight from beginning to end as i read the lyrics to each and every song. i was amazed at how every single song was something i could relate to in this certain time of my life. i knew the words before, but didnt really look into them that much.. but after reading all of them tonight, it felt like i knew exactly what he was going through when he wrote that album and it felt sooo good to know that i'm not alone in this world. and that all the pain and guilt and confusion that i'm feeling right now was once felt and dealt with by somebody else. and that somebody put it in some pretty amazing songs that i loved even before i knew what he was talking about..
now, is that inspiring, or what? haha =)
i like this album even more now than i did before and i can honestly say that it's in my top 5 favorite albums of all time.
goodnight. i think tonight, i'll actually get some sleep =)
-russ
current mood:  hopeful
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| Sunday, June 1st, 2008
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9:43 am - =*(
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The sadness comes when it's least expected
It shot out of the dark, straight into our face
The hurt it brings can't be stopped
The hurt it brings can't be cured, oh
Just when I thought things were alright
You came and ripped out my heart
My stomach full of butterflies
The thought of you gone, it tears me apart
I remember you and me
we used to laugh all night
until we fell asleep, oh
And i know we're through
But i've still got thoughts of you left inside my head
Well... in my head...
The love that I have for you
Is gone, has drifted so far away
But you're still here in my head
you're still here, you'll never leave my heart
So stop me now
Stop my thoughts cause you're killing me
But you don't know
Though we've grown apart
I'll still be there for you
Cause I don't wanna be just a memory to you...
current music: Rufio - Just a Memory
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| Saturday, May 17th, 2008
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9:49 am
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i hate how fucking sensitive of a person i am. i think it runs in our family...
i mean, i bet i can cry on the spot if you asked me to. i haven't been too happy lately, so whats the point in shedding more tears? sometimes i think they'll never run out. but they do.
sometimes i'm convinced i'll never find happiness. i've always been that way. i've been writing in this thing for years and if you read it from beginning to end, you'd know me like the back of your hand. i lack self confidence. but i try to be as positive as possible whenever i can...
and i guess when you least expect it, happiness will find you. but its never permanent. as much as you'd like it to be, it'll ALWAYS be too good to be true.
i wont be permanently happy until i'm home in heaven with Jesus.
life on earth will pass. i can either make the best of it.... or just not give a fuck
peace
-russ
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| Thursday, December 27th, 2007
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5:26 pm - daydreaming...
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one of my favorite things to do when i'm bored or when i'm at work and don't feel like doing what i'm supposed to be doing... is planning out and daydreaming about another life.
what if i was on the opposite side of the country? or in a whole other country?
i like to go on craigslist for all the other random cities in the U.S. (New York, Philly, Boston, Seattle, Las Vegas, Minneapolis...) and search for jobs and places to live... calculate how much i'd be making and how much i'd be able to afford and where i'd be living... what i'd be doing...
it's fun. it takes my mind off of the boring life i live here in LA.. but would it really be better? am i better off in los angeles all my life, close to my friends and family?... i know i'll miss my mom terribly... and my brothers. new friends can always be made.. and i can still keep in touch with the old ones. the ones worth keepin in touch with.
would i do this on my own? will someone come with?... at this point, i'd be down for anything.
the other day, my old english friend, tony signed on to MSN messenger. i havent talked to him since he left the states. he's doing a lot better over there than he was over here. tony has always been the adventurous type. even though he had it made in england, he still took the risk of coming down to los angeles to try starting a new life... just to see what would happen. unfortunately, things didnt go well and he had to move back home. i've always admired him and he was such a good friend. his way of thinking was so much different than mine.. but it made sense... he gave a lot of good advice. i miss him a lot. he told me i have a place to stay in london whenever i wanted to. he even begged me to plan my next vacation to be in london. he'd show me around just like i did with him when he was here... we even talked about me trying to make it out there. maybe i could live out there permanently..
if it doesnt work out.... i can always come back home, right?
-russ
current mood:  curious
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| Friday, December 21st, 2007
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5:03 pm - still the one to blame...
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i didnt break straight edge to become a raging alcoholic.. or to become some lowlife pothead..
I'm not your typical "sellout"
i loved being edge. everything was so much more simple. i felt so good about myself. i was always sooo proud. sometimes i even thought i was better than everyone else.. haha i slowly stopped thinking that way though. i stopped judging people. i looked passed the drinking and smoking and came to realize that theyre good people too.. and thats just their way of having fun.
i wasn't as strong as i thought i was. and i wasnt better than anybody else. i realized im only human like everyone else and im not some fucking hero that will end up on top in the end.. who was i trying to fool?? all i fooled was myself... i gave in... and i can never take it back.
does this mean i completely turned my back on every single thing i believed in before?... nope. not at all. i still have my views and i still know what's right and wrong. im still a good person. i still will never get behind the wheel drunk and when i know im in no condition to drive. i still will never drink to the point where i black out and dont remember shit the next morning.. i still will never feel the need to light up a joint or smoke a bowl throughout the whole day to "stay high".. within the past year or so i havent been edge, i STILL havent and never had the desire to do these things. im not a fucking idiot
i guess what im really trying to say is.. i didnt break straight edge to become a raging alcoholic.. or to become some lowlife pothead.. i did it because i was in a point in my life where i wanted NO RESTRICTIONS.. i wanted to do whatever the fuck i wanted to do whenever i wanted to without any rules or restrictions. i wanted to be free... and now i am. and it feels good.
but when i get people telling me what not to do and to stop doing something completely because it hurts them, even though i know im not letting things get out of hand.. it gets me reallly frustrated.. especially when they make me feel like im a lowlife and that i dont need it. of course i dont fucking need it.. but whats the harm in using it to have a little fun every once in a while. i never let it get out of hand.. whats the big deal?
i will never be able to explain myself and you will never be able to see things through my eyes and think my way..
and i will never be able to please you and someone else at the same time.. so why not please myself??
a little something i wrote.. you love the song... but hopefully, someday you'll understand
Sky High
oh, this can last for days, or maybe even months. i know there something more to this. life can't be this fucked up.. and every now and then i think of how things would end up if i jumped so high and reached the sky. would i fall back down or never see the ground?
will i ever see the ground (again)?
it's crazy how life can get sometimes. call me insane, but i'm not out of line. it's funny how life can get sometimes. don't call me insane. when everything else goes wrong i'm fine.
i've tried so hard to make this mine. wasting away the very last bit... and calling it my life.
and i can keep this going on. but i refuse to stay this way. so now i'm doing the best i can.
but in the end, all that i know is i'm still the one to blame... still the one to blame.
*in life, you go through many changes. and make a ton of decisions. some are good, some are bad... but what you might think is a change for the better, may be a change for the worse in someone else's eyes, and vice versa. so either way, you're not going to be able to please EVERYONE... why not please yourself?
-russ
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Amend - Sky High
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| Friday, September 28th, 2007
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9:42 am - i'll pick myself back up..
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what is there to turn to when sanity is lost? i think i've lost my mind again and given up at every fucking cost.
open roads and flashing lights won't help me figure it out this time. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, i've already crossed the line...(fuck)
never good at apologies and it's been this way for quite a while. another day comes and it's gone. i can't stand to fake this fucking smile...
my confidence now turns to shit... but still i'm wanting more. i'll keep this up before my self esteem runs for the door...
i can't believe it's been this long and i kept clinging on, after everything i once loved was gone.. face down on the fucking floor. i can't let myself down anymore. so i'm picking myself back up. i'll pick myself back up...
current mood:  angry
current music: days away - keep your voices down
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| Friday, August 31st, 2007
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2:43 pm - TGIF
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so this week is over! we got a group voice message saying the office closes today for all staff at 3:00!.. i dont know if i can leave or if i have to stay though. dominic and hem-young havent even came in today. dominic was teaching me some stuff over the phone. i called him to teach me more, but he never called back........ so, im sitting here. did everything i could as best as i could. im just waiting on more help...
its sooo hot
good news is im already getting paid on tuesday! like $470 bucks. haha.. which is nice, because i really do need the money. my next pay day is on the 16th.. and i should get a full paycheck. i cant wait till i start getting those bonuses..
i visited Jack Harriman's office today to drop off my key and parking card. no one was there.. i left a note saying i hope all is well with them and that i miss them. as i was walking out of the door, jack and bob came in. i said hello and everything, but jack seemed to just walk right past me.... pfff wuteva.. that fool better fucking give me my money next week. hahaha
ok.. back to waiting and doing nothinggg
-russ
current mood:  hot
current music: nadaaa
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| Wednesday, August 29th, 2007
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3:06 pm - <3
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current mood:  giddy
current music: Aesop Rock - Bring Back Pluto
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9:45 am - update from Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage
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3rd day on the job. Dominic and Hem-Young have wednesdays off.. so i guess these are my chill days. i just sit here and do things i need to catch up on and they call me from home to give me shit to do if they need me to. i have a couple appointments today. i get to go driving around to 2 houses to open them up for contractors and shit. one of them is this $1,380,000 smart house. it has like all this crazy technology and shit. i cant wait to see it.
the past two days have gone really well. i'm learning their whole system and everything. this place is sooo organized and are always on top of things.. its insane. well, dominic and hem-young (mostly just hem-young) are always doing things at the last minute which causes me to rush things, but thats because theyre always sooo busy. its my job to make sure they get things done on time. yesterday, i had to put together a listing presentation for hem-young to take to a meeting and she was already running late. she was all stressed and when she's stressed, she's not so nice... haha... but then she called me after the meeting to tell me it went well and she thanked me for all of my help. she was happy =)
i'll probably stop by Jack Harriman and Associates today to drop off my keycard that i still have and check up on them to see how theyre doing.. i know its a horrible time for them right now, but hopefully things start to pick up.
ok... back to work
-russ
current mood:  content
current music: Everdae - Portrait of a Lunatic (sooo goood)
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| Saturday, August 25th, 2007
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2:44 pm - I GOT THE JOB!!!
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so i ended up taking a nap and woke up around 2:00 to a voicemail from hem-young at coldwell banker.. she said her and her husband talked and they'd love to have me on board!
i start monday! =)=)=)
-russ
current mood:  accomplished
current music: The Rocket Summer - Everything For You
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| Friday, August 24th, 2007
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11:53 pm - moving on
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so today was my last day at Jack Harriman and Associates. so sudden, i know. but i had to get the fuck out of that place already. it's so sad to see how bad things got.. especially when just last year, the company was doing soooo good. it sucks how things can change so fast and so unexpectedly.
i had an interview at coldwell banker after work. there's this husband and wife team that is looking for an assistant. they seemed to have liked me a lot and were suprised to see that i knew more than they expected. they were also impressed that i had experience in building websites and using photoshop, seeing that they need help with their website and their adverstising... this company is sooo organized and they work soo hard. they reallly know their shit. i was scared to get into real estate again, seeing how a lot of real estate companies are going down. people saying the market is horrible right now... but i realized that you just gotta know what you're doing and you'll be fine. dominic, the guy that interviewed me today, said that he's gone through 4 tough changes in the market and still ended up being successful...
they said they'll talk about me over dinner tonight and call me tomorrow to let me know what they think. but i think its a for sure thing.. as i was walking out, dominic shook my hand and said "so, if all is good... you can start monday, right?".. i told him "of course".. he seemed excited... so am i =)
im scared to be starting all over again.... but for some reason, i have a feeling that once i get used to this place, i'll start to love it.
-russ
current mood:  anxious
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| Monday, August 20th, 2007
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12:30 pm - i need a new life
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i'm so over this one
=(
i miss playing/writing music
i miss random nights out with friends
i miss hanging out in random places doing absolutely nothing
i miss just getting out of the house
i miss t-mex and petes sessions
i miss downey
i miss downtown LA trips
i miss my friend matt lee
i miss going to shows and losing my mind
i miss pointless trips to gravity hill
i miss filling up my tank and driving around aimlessly
i need to make a change
and i need to do it now =/
-russ
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| Friday, August 17th, 2007
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10:38 am
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sometimes i think i'm wayyy too insecure for my own good. i can't help but think of and expect the worst of things to happen.. even when things seem perfectly fine. and when things don't, i tend to freak out. i appear fine on the outside, but on the inside, i'm a mess =(
i've always had very little confidence in myself and every good thing that happens to me seems too good to be true. i'm way grateful, but at the same time, still feel like there's a catch... like i'm not supposed to be this happy
i'm afraid if i blink, it'll all be taken away from me.
...so, i'm holding on for dear life
-russ
current mood:  blah
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2007
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9:44 am - its the end of the world as we know it........
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things are going downhill in my line of work... i saw this coming for a whiiile now. it just keeps getting worse and worse. the office staff is pretty much all gone. nancy's last day is on friday.. that means all of our processers are gone. that only leaves jack, my aunt, carolina, and i in the office. we went from like 9 to 4 people within the past 2 months =(
i saw our office building on the news this morning. they did a little segment on countrywide home loans on the first floor. countrywide has been like the most successful lender around and now theyre going through so many problems.. i remember seeing fremont lending on the news a couple of months ago showing all their workers being laid off. it scared me.. and now i'm realizing how bad this really is. i need to get the fuck out of real estate....
i loooved my job. wayy too much. well, not so much the past few months, but before. although i complained and everything, i honestly believe it was the best job anyone could ever have. but i guess all good things come to an end. i'm scared to move on, but i know i need to.
i've been looking into putting what i learned at AI to use and finding some kind of video editing job... or even web design or anythinggg. i need something that pays at least 30k a year to be on the same level i am now (or was a few months ago).
being broke is a horrible feeling. i miss actually having money in my bank account. it's been a good month since ive have ANYTHING in there.. i've been borrowing money from my mom. like 20 bucks at a time. my dad has given me 40 dollars here and there and my aunt has as well.. i haaaate borrowing money and relying on other people to get me by. i feel like such a burden... although i'd gladly help friends and family in their time of need if i was able. i just hate taking money from my mom, especially.. she has a hard enough time supporting my other two brothers. sometimes she cant even support herself. she's been talking about getting a night job... which will have her working like 16 hour days =( just so she can have some more money to support my 2 brothers... and me, as of now.
this just in.. i just got an email from national city home equity saying theyre closing and everyone is getting laid off.. so if we have files with them, close them right away, because the business is closing down....
i swear this the end =(
-russ
current mood: worried
current music: Atmosphere - Panic Attack
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| Monday, July 30th, 2007
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3:57 pm - this weekend
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i can honestly say that this weekend was a good one. even though i'm broke as hell and live the life of a bum, i still managed to get by. this was the first weekend this summer that actually felt like summer... it was nice
friday night, i headed over to mission viejo to meet up with taylor after work. we went to the spectrum and got some sushi.. she doesnt like sushi, but she said the place at the food court at the spectrum has theeee best sushi... i don't really consider a tempura roll good sushi, but whatever hahaha. then we watched the simpsons movie.. well, i was pretty much asleep for the most of it. besides the 10 seconds in between pinches and nudges from taylor trying to wake me up. it's not because i didnt like the movie, but because i was sooo tired for some reason. and watching late showings of movies usually results in me dosing offff.. even if i like the movie =/ weird, i know
on saturday, i woke up at around 11:30 to a call from taylor saying she was at my house already.. it made me the happiest kid to be with my girlfriend from the moment i woke up until i went to sleep that night. i just wish she didn't have to leave =(... we hung out, watched TV, went swimming, went to my mom's house, went to the street fair they have on main street every saturday, and then we had dinner at some diner. it was good spending the whole day with her. i love that girl sooo much.
she left on sunday to palm springs and wont be back until this weekend =( i'm gonna go insane, i know it.
work is horrible as of now. everyone quit.. the only people in this office now are Jack, my aunt, carolina, nancy, and me... its so depressing. i'm playing the job of transaction coordinator AND receptionist. it's soo stressful. everytime i get started on something, the phone rings.. MULTIPLE TIMES.. its horrrrible. i wouldnt mind so much if we actually got paid on time.. but thats kinda impossible when we're not making any money at all =/
i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up on friday night.
-russ
current mood: aggravated
current music: none
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| Friday, July 27th, 2007
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12:09 pm - grrrrrr
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staying positive isn't as easy as i tell myself it is.
working a full time job and not getting paid is a horrible feeling. i'm a full time working bum... that's what i am.
i'm scared of finding a new job. i need one, but what if i'm not ready? this place has been my home for the past 2 1/2 years or so. i loved this place and my job. i've learned so much.. and i have a lot of freedom here. never had to worry about being fired. my aunt would never do that... but the past few months, i've grown to hate it. it sucks that business isn't doing good. i wish our company was still how it was last year. we were ballers =(
i hate not hearing from my girlfriend all morning. she's what keeps me sane in situations like this, and not hearing from her and not being able to get in contact with her makes me go INsane.. i swear i have a horrible feeling in my stomach right now and it'll only get worse until i hear from her.. i'm a little bitch
life sucks as of now. straight up....
i can't wait till things look up like they always do. im being way too impatient.. but i know God will even things out for me. He always does.... how's that for staying positive?
peace
-russ
current mood: frustrated, stressed, angry
current music: phones ringing
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| Monday, June 25th, 2007
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9:32 am
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what a weekend...
friday - came in to work after calling in sick the day before to find out our paychecks that were already a week late still wont be passed out until the 27th... i was pissed and didnt wanna be there, so i asked to go home. taylor came over around 1 and we went to FIDM to pick up her portfolio.. then we spent the rest of the night at my house. sooo much fun with that girl. i never ever want her to leave..
saturday - had lunch with my mom and little brother at this realllly good mexican place down the street from their house. headed over to gus's house in downey to meet up with all my friends i havent seen in sooo long. it was nice seeing them all again. i feel like i've neglected them and spent too much time with my girlfriend. i remember when i was single, i'd hate when my friends would get a girlfriend and suddenly be MIA =/ i hate myself for kinda turning into that.. but i'm planning on fixing it. taylor apparently needs to spend more time with tracy anyway. i'll get into that a little laterr. haha.... anywayyys, we spent the day swimming and hanging out. then we watched the UFC fight.. then i was getting text messages from taylor saying this creepy guy was trying to get all up on her shit and that she didnt trust him. so she wanted me to come pick her up because she felt wayy uncomfortable.. sooo i left gus's and headed down to mission viejo.. halfway there, i get a call from taylor and she's crying, saying her and tracy got into an argument and all this other drama.. tracy then calls me all mad and drunk telling me to come get taylor because she wants her out of her house.. more drama (which i dont feel like getting into) and i finally get back on the freeway with taylor and take her back to my house.
sunday - we wake up and start heading back to mission viejo because taylor had to go to work.. lots of stuff happened.. my head felt like it was going to explode. i'd rather not get into detail, but all i know is.... never come in between a girl and her best friend. kinda like a bros before hoes thing, but the other way around? hahaha.. but yeeeah. some people get wayyy too needy and jealous and i'd rather not make the situation any worse... i decided that she needs more time alone with her best friend.. and that'll give me more time to catch up with my best friends. =)
-russ
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